Taking a chance in life is one of the most difficult things a person can do. Humans are genetically wired to crave and pursue comfort in every aspect of life. Any deviation from this course and we become paranoid and somewhat out of balance. Life, and the work it demands to meet all of our basic needs, is all about balance. Our pursuit of happiness and self-actualization is no different. The good news is that balance looks different to everyone and no one person is right in what appears to appeal to them. However, a person’s definition of balance is a mix of their innate wants and basic needs and their personal opinions about how those things relate to the world around them, otherwise, there is a displacement which puts a person lopsided. … More The thought of “second marriage”
Why is it even necessary for your special someone to meet your parents? Why can’t they meet after you guys have done a private or fancy proposal, putting a ring on it? Does it really then mean you’re engaged after that fancy private proposal without the consent or knowledge of the parents? … More At what point of does she/he meet your parents?
A lot of people out there searching and waiting for the perfect man or woman to come complete their world, take their breath away and be the best thing that ever happened to them. While this is good, there are certain things you need also to look out for so that you don’t mistake glitters for gold. … More Be sure he/she is marriage material
One of my most cherished book gifts was given to me by Senator Oluremi Tinubu at the launch of my first publication, Double Jeopardy. “How to choose a life partner” by the late Pastor Bimbo Odukoya. I must have been about 21years old then and although I wondered why she was giving me such a book, I appreciated the fact that she was assuming the role of a mother and a leader, wishing to guide me in some ways before I could even think of marriage.
Shame though, I didn’t get round to finishing the book due to movements and relocations. But I remember it well enough for its many questions to ask your intending life partner. I jotted down many questions I would love to ask when I am eventually ready for marriage so when I met my husband, I tried to ask a few but he wasn’t interested in being mechanical with me. I let my many questions rest, plunging into our union blindly, trusting that I would be patient enough to live through it. My mother always said I am too patient and resilient for her liking anyway so it would come in handy in my marriage.
But there were a lot of misconceptions I brought into my marriage that I wished I had known or being tutored before marriage. The list is endless but I will minimize them to 10 things I didn’t know before marriage.
1.Responsibility goals: Before I got married, I was quite independent owing to my upbringing but if I needed encouragement, guidance and financial support, I went to my father. So getting married, I didn’t know if I would largely be responsible for myself or if my husband will or if it would still be permissible to go to Dad once in a while. It was a grey area I couldn’t have asked anyone but some sort of knowledge and guidance wouldn’t have been a bad idea.
2.Don’t expect your spouse to be like your father/brother or your mother/sister: We all are affected in one way or another by how we were raised, what we have been used to growing up. I read about a lady who said her father is a very funny, jovial man and he would always make her laugh. When she visited her friend’s house and saw how serious her friend’s father was, she couldn’t comprehend how a man can be too serious, missing the fun things of life. I know I had some sort of similarity expectations in my husband from where I was coming from but I quickly adapted to the fact that all men can’t be the same.
3.Communication is ambiguous: It’s everywhere, communication cannot be overemphasized in any relationship. It’s the only way any one will get to understand you and help situations be better or more tolerable at least. But communication in itself has many facets, covering a large area of topics. How do you know what is safe to talk about and what’s a no-go area? Or perhaps, I want to talk about something and my partner doesn’t see certain things as necessary to be discussed. Again, perhaps beliefs and backgrounds should be carefully taken into consideration.
4.Marriage does not mean happily ever after: In the case of Cinderella as is most of us in our lives, having not all enjoyed a rosy upbringing or having rich tales of our youth, we want to look forward to marriage as a means of escape from one situation into a better one. News flash, it’s not always the case. Maybe happily ever after happens in old age if perchance you were fortunate and careful enough to invest in every day of your marriage while it’s still fresh and young.
5.Men will still try to get you and even more (vice versa): Yes, I knew married men may often be interested in single girls but I didn’t know that married men, single men can be interested as much in a married woman.
6.Love isn’t always going to be hot and passionate: Seriously, the key to staying married is to first admitting that when all else fails, you can still live and communicate with your partner as a friend. I used to think every day of my life would be a hot and steamy love but some days are hotter than others and other days, I wake up thinking ‘what was I thinking?’
7.It’s easy to become complacent in marriage: Familiarity and over-familiarity with routine can make marriage seem overrated after a few years of doing the same thing or living with the same person. It’s easy to fall guilty of constant complaining, nagging and choosing to see nothing deserving any longer in your marriage.
8.Which will come first if literally true – for better or for worse?: It was a few years after I got married that I first heard the new phrase, ‘for better to stay, for worse to go’. I couldn’t believe people were now getting comfortable to own their zero level of tolerance in marriage excesses. But frankly, every marriage has its turbulent times. Whether the good times will come before the bad or bad comes before good doesn’t really matter but preparing one’s mind for either of it and having the right attitude through it is what counts.
9.Husbands are not Gods, they are just humans: I grew up believing fathers are the heads of the family, hence they possess a special power to navigate and direct the family always, leading aright without stress. I’ve come to realize that both men and women have certain things in common, like we’re both human, we both cry, we can both be weak and we both need God for direction, head of the family or not. So the next time your husband errs, know that he’s only human. He may be needing your help without out-rightly asking for it.
10.Children can be an excuse for faltering attention to your spouse: Women are mostly guilty of this. Once the children start coming, they tend to give more attention to the children, suffering their marriage of passion, love and attention without which the children wouldn’t have come in the first place. It, however, doesn’t mean the men don’t falter in this regard as well.
So basically, don’t go blindly all the time into any agreement without most of your questions being answered. That way, you are better prepared for what’s coming even though you cannot totally eliminate what will be.
… More 10 things I didn’t know before marriage
It kind of reminds me of the concept of Noise of the Market. Of course, the story is different but the similarity is there are a lot of distractions on a football field when there’s a match in play. However, a good player knows that his best bet is never to take his eyes off the ball.
So I was looking through Instagram last night and I stumbled upon this picture message about red pill and blue pill. The blue pill is to take you back 10years while the red makes you an instant billionaire. The comments were interesting. A lot of people said they would take the red pill stating that money would erase all passed mistakes, make everything better, is the answer to every problem and makes every problem more tolerable. Although, of course, it’s not a good idea to turn down money, I should know – I’m a woman. Other people commented they would take the blue pill and go back 10years to fix everything and perhaps even be able to make more than a billion worth in money. I remember I saw a comment that chose both (the red and blue pill). Now if that were possible, I would fall into that category – to take both pills.
Going back 10years won’t be a bad idea, at least not for me and taking a pill to be an instant billionaire might be good as well. You might sense my hesitation about taking the red pill. I’m very conscious about things that turns you around instantly, like a slimming pill or tea that’s guaranteed to work really fast or an easy way out of anything. Maybe I have a fear for an ever faster boomerang when it decides to turn on you. So, in this case, if I take the red pill making me an instant billionaire, I might be constantly looking over my shoulder. And in any case, that wouldn’t be my first option because in becoming a billionaire, I don’t believe it takes away problems, not if they are not money related problems. Imagine a single mother who is in need of love, warmth and strength, I don’t imagine money take away her problems. Or a divorcee who’s desperately anxious, questioning if anything can be ok again. Or a victim of domestic violence who only wants everything to be normal in the relationship. Or a person seeking love and affection and attention, does being an instant billionaire take their want away? Maybe going back 10years doesn’t either but perhaps, knowing what we know now, maybe going back 10years to fix things wouldn’t be a bad idea.
What do you think?
… More Red or Blue pill anyone?
In a world where singles are becoming frustrated waiting for the perfect guy, the kind of guy who ‘makes your blood hot and wakes you with butterflies in your stomach’. Sigh! Blood hot indeed… isn’t that hypertension? I’m sorry. I’m a hopeless romantic myself so I’m not meaning to hurt anyone’s feelings. But the truth is true love is indeed hard to find. Very few people are fortunate to find it and if perchance they become unfortunate to lose it, they may never find it again.
So in the frustration of desperately wanting to be in a relationship, the option of dating online I suppose stares you in the face. There must be a lot of dating and meeting platforms online these days. You can to meet people who tend to be articulate, telling you exactly those things you want to hear. Looking at their pictures, you are so sure you’ve found that special one only for you. Hold up! Please note, that these social mediums are what it is – make believe. Damn, not even pictures are real anymore with all the filtering options on your smartphone. So how are you sure you are talking to that person whom you’ve painted the perfect picture of a beautiful future with?
Or perchance you meet him/her, is he/her the same as the pictures – lucky you! But is she/he as articulate as they seem to be in your chats? Are they as warm as you perceive from a distance? Are they sweet? Everything you perceive them to be? Everything you want them to be? If so and they are that amazing, how come they haven’t been bagged before you came along? What happened in their relationship or previous relationship if you are that lucky?
I’m a firm believer in asking questions. I like to know everything, even though I can’t get all the answers in one sitting or even get the right answers all from one person. But I don’t like to be carried away with the fancy face or scenario and forget the important thing(s).
Note, too, that online relationships are best kept where you picked them up – online. You may find that you are unable to communicate as freely as you were while chatting or unable to co-exist as you dream of. No matter how unhappy you think you are, frustrated and desperate, you need to go into any relationship with all your senses wide awake. And grabbing someone from the internet might not be for you. Whoever is for you, you need to know the person, understand what you are getting into so that when you do, you alone will be responsible for your decision, not your perception of what was not.
… More The beginning and ending of your online relationship
Marriage is indeed a beautiful thing, the bringing together of two souls, existing together forever as one, in good times and bad times. The very thought that you have your love beside you to saddle through the challenges of life is relieving. But how do you tell you are choosing the right partner to embark … More Before Marriage