It can be easy to assume that second marriages will be easier than the first. It seems like the perfect opportunity to right all the previous wrongs you had in the first marriage, right? Yet there are so much more to consider than surface feelings and emotional downtime. Little wonder the statistics for latter marriages show higher percentages of likelihood of divorce than the very first marriage. However, there has been a good number of successfully recorded second marriages, only if you tick the checklist and you are convinced you are totally objective to yourself and the cause you are throwing yourself into, again.
Taking a chance in life is one of the most difficult things a person can do. Humans are genetically wired to crave and pursue comfort in every aspect of life. Any deviation from this course and we become paranoid and somewhat out of balance. Life, and the work it demands to meet all of our basic needs, is all about balance. Our pursuit of happiness and self-actualization is no different. The good news is that balance looks different to everyone and no one person is right in what appears to appeal to them. However, a person’s definition of balance is a mix of their innate wants and basic needs and their personal opinions about how those things relate to the world around them, otherwise, there is a displacement which puts a person lopsided.
So while it may seem easier on the mind to take a second chance, the daunting realization is that the second chance is a harder one. Having to consider objectively reasons why the first marriage couldn’t have worked and how necessary a second is, and not just for you but in the case where child-rearing is involved, a lot more is expected to be considered. Checklist to consider are;
- Do you still blame your ex-partner for the failure of your marriage?
- Do you believe that if two people are passionately in love they really should get married?
- Are you marrying the person you had an affair with?
- Are you getting married again because you’ve found “The One?”
- Do you compare your new relationship to your old one?
- Do you really understand your emotional needs?
- Is this a rebound affair?
- Have you forgotten about your children’s needs?
These questions cover most of the issues that make or break a second or third marriage. If you’ve checked off any of the items, you need to carefully consider the ideas covered in this discussion. If you’ve checked off two of them, you need to assess what you are really doing. Ask yourself, “Why am I getting married?”
Is it because you’ve found the person you want in your life every day? Is it because you can kick back with your partner and let go of your stress? If so, that’s great, because that is what feeling like family is like when things are running functionally.
If you’ve checked off three or more items, you probably have emotional issues that you need to deal with before you get married again.
So you may want to consider engaging a professional counselor to help you assess what those issues are. Or perhaps, you’ve figured out all you need to know about remarriage by doing your homework and learning from others’ experiences too. Either way, it’s more than a thought you had in one excited moment or a rush of feeling that made you feel alive again. Whatever it is, it’s a chance, a risk and you have to be willing, short of using the word committed, to making it work.
A woman who is in her second marriage said;
“I don’t regret my first marriage because I believe the person you are is the result of different experiences. Splitting up then was traumatic but I’ve learnt that I’m a strong person, and I like myself more now than ever”. She, however, agrees that, “you have to be careful when going about a change. For instance, if you’re finding it hard to sleep, lay it open with your partner for discussion “What do you think we should do about it?” Put the suggestion out there, rather than just announcing that you’re moving out.”