It is perfectly healthy for the mind to be in a constant state of thinking. Maybe not thinking as in a particular thing bothering one’s mind but we always have something on our minds at any given point in time. It is impossible for the mind to be totally blank. With the rate of domestic violence stories in the media and horror marriage tales flying about the social media, it is impossible for spinsters and bachelors not to fear or wonder if this marriage thing is even worth it at all. I’ve heard a lot of married people say that when they see couples getting married, they sort of pity them because they really don’t know what they are getting into. Yet singles just can’t wait to be married. So what’s the way to go?
There might be grey areas singles wish to obtain answers to before saying ‘I do’ but find that they have loads of questions they are not sure they can ask your parents or too embarrassing to ask during marriage counselling classes, especially if it’s organized by your church or even out rightly talk to their intending spouse about. But these are questions which they eagerly want answers to. So what are some of these questions singles typically have on their minds before they say ‘I do’.
- How can I be sure I’m marrying the right person?
Well, I’m not going to sit here and play God and tell you I have the answer to this one but one thing I have learnt with experience is you have to be willing to observe objectively. When we are in love, the tendencies are we cannot make rational decisions because love has blinded our sense of logic and reason. We just want to be licensed to live with that ‘special’ person for the rest of our lives. If you are unable to be objective, trust one or two other people, your parents or siblings or those really close to you. Preferably those who have lived or known you from when you were little so that know what you can live with and what will eventually tear you apart.
- When is the right age for me to be thinking about marriage?
Sometimes these things are not taught in practice. No one tells you ‘you are now ready to be married’ but just like schooling, after certain achievements, you just know you are of a marriageable age. Now, age doesn’t always mean maturity or give license to readiness to take on the responsibility of marriage but experience of having witnessed certain things in your life give you the opportunity to be tougher, wiser and confident to be responsible for an additional person in your life.
- What amount of achievement do I need before I can think of marrying?
Most ladies don’t think of this. They just wait to be married so their husband can ‘complete’ them and give them security. This is one of the factors that will eventually breed issues in your marriage because at some point, even if your husband is the giver in your marriage, there is the possibility that the giver might fall short and will need support at some point. If the wife is unable to support when the chips are down, there marks the beginning issues. The wife might then begin to see her husband as a weakling. As for guys, as long as there is a considerable amount of lifestyle and livelihood to cater for additional reasonable person, then that’s good enough.
- What are the red flags I need to take seriously before making that life-changing decision?
It’s one thing to notice one or two things we ordinarily wouldn’t accept from someone else but because we feel attached already to the other person, we feel we can overlook certain things with the hope that they will change for us and become better with time. While there is 5% chance that someone will change with time, it is not a chance I believe anyone should take. It is better and definitely easier to walk away even if he/she is the richest person you’ve ever dated or he/she is the most presentable person that ever approached you for marriage, or a religious person your parents’ will be glad you brought home. It is still achievable to walk away from a failed courtship or engagement than to endure a failed marriage. That’s if you’re even able to endure the issues as they deteriorate.
- What are my chances of finding true love if I decide to wait for it?
Not to sound like the devil’s advocate but bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. You need to know and appreciate that and it doesn’t mean the forces of the universe are not aligning in good places for you just because of that. In fact look at it this way, sometimes you need to go through the tough times early in life so that the good times can come even quicker when you are still young enough to enjoy them. So just because you’ve spend all your life waiting for that dreamy guy or girl doesn’t mean you don’t deserve true love. And just because you haven’t found it at age 40 doesn’t also mean you’ll never find it. It’s just sometime humanly impossible to still believe after certain difficulties or situations stare us in the face and we are unable to see past these shortcomings. It doesn’t make you less deserving.
There are many questions we could ask but for the exhaustive nature of this topic, I will stick to these 5 and let you add your most disturbing questions before you say ‘I do’ in the comments section. I’ll be reading to know your thoughts on this one.
“A perfect marriage is two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other anyway”.