It’s funny that someone like me would dabble into writing an article on Mathletics, let alone mathematics of anything. I wasn’t very good at Math in Elementary school and my Father would beat me silly when I didn’t get a simple equation right. Fast forward to University when I took Logic as a discipline in my Course of study. Logic was interesting because I had developed myself in reading and mastered the art of being among the top students in any educational setting. Thanks to the beatings many years ago J. It’s interesting and always almost right when you apply Math and Logic to any situation of life because you can be certain of at least 80% successive prediction rate at whatever you apply it to. So I want to attempt to write the Mathematics of Marriage – Understanding the Mathematics of marriage so that we can reduce a lot of trending issues in marriages these days and be able to decipher what direction we are steering our marriages by certain actions that we take.
Typically, the definition of marriage accordingly to the English Oxford Dictionary is having a wife or a husband; showing commitment or devotion normally reserved for a spouse. Marriage, in my opinion, can also be like a chain reaction, as adopted from Chemistry, is a reaction (union/decision to marry) that results in a product (love/commitment) necessary for the continuance of the reaction (successful and longitude of a marriage).
According to John Gottman, an American Professor of Psychology, there are certain questions you can ask couples which can easily determine the course of that marriage on the long run. Simple and ordinary questions like ‘where did you two meet?’, ‘how did you meet?’ ‘what was your first impression of your partner?’, ‘what the wedding was like?’ ‘what was your reaction towards important transition in the first couple of years together?’ etc. Simple questions really but the idea behind it is in the answers given or the way and manner in which the event was recalled or if it can be recalled at all. Finding out the history of a person on basic emotions such as anger, love, frustration, depression, shame, etc also contributes to what to expect to manifest in some way in your marriage. In that regard, it is highly important that you know your partner well before tying the knot. Knowing his or her belief about certain things, knowing his or her map, that is, who and what are the key stakeholders in your partner’s life. When you know what makes him/her happy and you know what ticks them off, obviously, except you then want to deliberately hurt them, you will be careful to do those things that make them happy only. And if it becomes necessary to do otherwise, gentle communications with love and understanding never did anyone any harm. It actually mends a lot more and has better advantages than being revolute.
Being involved in your partner’s life gives you the benefit of carrying yourself along with their plans, progress and even a day-to-day activity in such a way that you always have something to catch up on, something to talk about. In this way, it’s not only a marriage but a relationship of good friendship. Be mindful also that making someone unhappy also equates and affects your state of mind and happiness because an unhappy person cannot produce happiness for you to enjoy anyway. It’s not an easy task. There’s a lot to always be cognizant of and the bulk of the job really lies with the men, even though our society likes to think the women are the ones to hold and sustain a home. Husbands who have this simple equation figured out and know how to effectively manage their wives are called Emotional Intelligence Husbands. Again, going back to my adaptation of marriage definition from Chemistry, what you put in is what will get in return.
Especially in our society, some husbands refuse to be influenced in any way by their wives. Perhaps they think it’s a form of weakness on their part if they should but studies have shown that men who can’t accept influence from their wives are at a high risk of divorce. A high rate of physically abusive men starts from refusing to be influenced by their wives. Yet you married vowing to love and respect each other, being conscious that you are marrying someone who is capable of bringing value to the table. Now that she has become your wife, suddenly you don’t see her as someone having or deserving to have an opinion about anything that has to do with her, both of you or anything at all. Note that respect plays an important role in the longevity of your marriage.
Marriage isn’t only about the man and his woman. It’s also about the children, about the in-laws, about your career and what everyone is bringing to the table. These phases after the wedding are called transitions. A successful transition in marriage depends first on the foundation the husband and wife have already made for and with each other. If that foundation is weak, every other addition or subtraction might not make the family stronger. For instance, a troubled couple thinking the arrival of a baby will strengthen their relationship won’t necessarily happen. More often than not, if it wasn’t working before the children start coming, there’s a higher percentage than it will only lead to separation or divorce on the long run. The group of couples too who use the children as an excuse to stay in a troubled relationship, according to John Gottman, is only prolonging the evil days. Because children become teenagers then adults and leave home. The troubles that were there before might not go away if never tackled even while the children were there. This category of marriage is termed an Emotionally Dead Marriage. They tend to last longer but because it lacks positivity and interest in one another, eventually that takes its toll on the longevity of the marriage.
It’s always interesting to find new ways of spicing up your marriage. The excitement of it alone gives happiness and discovering something that excites your partner gives fulfillment. In essence, there are many ways to be happy and very little ways to be unhappy which have been mentioned in the above paragraphs, not being involved, not giving to influence and the likes. It is therefore advisable to give five times more positivity and energy into your marriage then indifference event, talk less of negativity and when there are conflicts, finding a gentle way of communicating the issue separate from your partner’s person (strictly addressing the issue) is always helping.
Sigh! I hope I have been able to do small justice to this article I imposed on myself. Let me know your thoughts or reservations if you have any.
… More Understanding the Mathematics of Marriage