Together forever in comfortable separation


One of the commonest slogan for wedding souvenirs these days is ‘together forever’. I remember when I saw that on my wedding souvenirs, I hadn’t asked the printer to add that but he did anyway. So when I saw it, initially I was scared. I was scared at the realization that I would be with this one person for the rest my life. I had never been with anyone past 2 years and I knew I easily tire of anything, especially if at some point I can’t connect anymore. Recently, I celebrated 8 years of ‘conjugal bliss’ and did you notice? I have passed the 2 year mark and we’re still going strong.

Anyway, so it just dawned on me that while I was growing up, my parents had separate bedrooms as do many old couples I know. Heck, at some point even I considered having a separate bedroom from my husband. I suppose I felt I needed it of privacy. Does that even make sense? Why would I want privacy from the person I have sworn to live with together forever?

Well, first and foremost, we are all humans and we need what we need. Imagine someone needing to go the bathroom and because you say he or she is grounded he shouldn’t move an inch. Ultimately, the person will defecate on the spot. Is that even a sensible analogy? Yes, but you get the idea. So as humans, we need what we need. For men, they want a man cave; somewhere to be alone with their books, toys, gadgets or whatever. Somewhere he can be away from the noise and distractions. Just an escape haven of sort. When he’s done refreshing, he comes out feeling better, more energized and better involved in the family. Some women like to take alone vacations or trips sometimes just to rejuvenate and re-energise again. Ultimately, it’s for the good of the family. When you deny your partner of their private space, a lot of things can go wrong – anger, frustration, bitterness and maybe even regret because you haven’t let them be themselves all because they are now married or have ‘certain’ responsibilities. You don’t want to make your partner feel stuck just because they married you. Only a sane mind can be a responsible mind or person.

Anyway, going back to the topic – together forever in comfortable separation. My question is, is it right for a couple to have separate bedrooms and why if you think it’s good or it helps? What are the pros and cons of it and do you think it can help a couple stay together forever even when they are comfortable in their separation?

Well, here are some of the advantages I drew from people’s thoughts. Let me know if you agree or not:

  1. It helps better a couple’s sex life: Well, maybe I can see how this can be because it’s not all the time you are in bed together so when you are, of course, you want to make the best use of time and all. If your relationship is good, separate beds or bedrooms could be just what you need to invigorate your love life afresh. Something as simple as dragging the duvet down to the living room and making love there can be very exciting if you only ever have sex in bed.
  2. Bigger beds, happier couples: Ergonomic research has confirmed that couples sleep better in bigger beds, waking less often during the night and feeling more rested and happier in the morning. So it would seem that, even if you don’t want to sleep separately, most couples would do well to splash out on a wider bed.
  3. Keeps the relationship fresh for longer: You know what they say about distance making the heart grow fonder, perhaps some sort of separation, privacy, longing can fix any some of anxiety or tension or discomfort in your marriage without necessarily going to the extremes.

Ok, so I’m not advocating for separate bedrooms. Like I said, it’s sampling opinions. However, on the negative end, a strong desire to sleep apart because of intimacy problems or even personal preference might do damage. If you simply push away from your partner because of your issues, and don’t deal with the conflict, the problems will still be there in the morning. Sleeping apart as an escape from dealing with problems will only create an emotional distance in addition to the physical one.

Either way, to maintain a balance in your home, find time to do certain things together on a regular basis. Connect with each other and talk everyday so that you are involved in each other’s lives. You don’t want to become roommates, so keep the “married feeling” alive with quality time, and don’t keep each other from ever visiting the other’s room.

A little space is good for marriage. Even if you sleep separately once in a while, it can give you an appreciation for the nightly company when you sleep together again. Sleeping apart is not right for every marriage, however. If the two of you lead separate and busy lives, that bedtime might be what keeps you in sync. Sleeping in the same bed when you are married is a special opportunity to hold hands, talk, or just be near each other. Communication is the key, so talk it over with your spouse before you decide to move out of the bedroom. If you already sleep away from your spouse (voluntarily), reevaluate the reasons, and make sure you are doing the right thing.

Married couples don’t have to sleep together all the time. Every couple is different, and maybe it does work for some people. Just check your motives and know what works for you.

2 thoughts on “Together forever in comfortable separation

  1. Interesting post. Very relevant in today’s marriages too but like you said, you have to know what works for yours.

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