If I had seen this topic on any blog, I would have been intrigued and excited. After all, who doesn’t want tips on ways to spice up their marriage? I’m flattered that you stopped by to read this but I don’t I don’t disappoint you when I say I don’t have all the answers. But hey, maybe we can learn and encourage each other while you’re here.
This applies to those of us married couples with kids, though you may have more diapers than diamonds, more early mornings than date nights, the thing to remember is that your world is not only about your kids. Put your partner and romance on the front burner. You’re not neglecting your kids if you put your marriage first. We seem to be marrying our kids instead of our spouses because we find it easier to be with our kids than our partners. Even better, by putting your spouse first, you are creating a trio of positive outcomes — your marriage will improve, your children won’t suffer from over-parenting and your kids will learn positive relationship skills.
Some helpful tips might be:
- Don’t be afraid to get personal. I know after the kids, some of us women tend to lose our self-esteem, confidence and even respect in some cases (depending on how to let your spouse treat you). You need to work on yourself. No one will make you feel better about you than you. Love yourself, exude that confidence and don’t be afraid to work that magic you once did before you married your husband. Same goes for the guys, encourage intimacy.
- Be mindful of the little gestures that please your spouse. After marriage, after the see-finish, we tend to forget to impress each other anymore. Hey, don’t forget that if you hadn’t impressed her/him in the first place, you most likely wouldn’t have been married. So, what’s changed? If I belong to you and you belong to me, why don’t you think you did my approval, my consent, my happiness so we can live a life of sensual memories?
- Enact role-play. There’s nothing as beautiful as keeping the love fresh and alive. I heard someone say her husband and her have separate numbers for enacting fun conversations with each other. She sends texts him as his ‘anonymous hottie’ and he responds dutifully. When they get home, they know they are in for some steamy moments. I heard another say she has all manner of fun toys they use in bed. The idea here is find what works for you and throw in some spices while you’re at it.
- Be spontaneous. I know it’s easy for us to slip into a routine. Let’s be honest, it kind of makes it all easy to handle but try something different once in a while, especially when your spouse least expects it. Show up at their office and take them for lunch (if your offices aren’t far apart or if Lagos traffic will allow you be back at your office in time). Send them flowers at work. Give them gifts even when it’s not a cause for celebration. But really, your life is always a wonderful cause for celebration any day.
- Plan quality time. And if spontaneity would not serve you, don’t feel weird actually planning out the times that best work for you and your spouse to observe your quality moment. The absence of this would only cause a bigger weirder situation in your marriage and you don’t want to look at your marriage years down the line and not recognize yourselves.
- You might need to adjust your mindset. That’s if you fall into the category of people who believe once you are married with kids, talking about sex, performing the pleasurable act or sex during pregnancy is a taboo. Seriously? It is a great way to reduce stress, feel closer to each other and even get a good night’s sleep (which we all need after a crazy day). Remember, love takes effort and a little closeness to make it continue to grow — but it’s not work. Don’t see your marriage as work. It’s not. Otherwise, you shorten your lifespan and every day, every moment of your life becomes detestable even to you.
- Communicate always. I find it easier to say to my husband – I just flushed your goldfish – after sex than I can say on a normal day. Does that even fall under communicating? But the idea is to stay in the good space always where you are able to talk out your issues, concerns, joys and dreams. Once issues are left unresolved and matters are left unspoken, that’s when it becomes easy for a third wheel to come between you and you don’t want that. It becomes harder to get back to where you were before the matter ensued.
- Reminisce. It’s amazing what the power of reminiscing your early days can do for your marriage. I remember when I would pull out my wedding tape to watch again. I did that because I didn’t want to forget the feeling I had when I married my husband. I didn’t it because I want to find a place in my heart to forgive him, after an argument or something. I did it because I always want to be in that space of love and gratitude. Review your meeting, courtship, wedding and early marriage often. Remembering what drew you together helps you stay crazy-in-love.
- Show appreciation. Again it’s easy to fall into the category of see-finish and forget to appreciate your spouse for those little things you used to thank them for in your early years. Play the appreciation game frequently so that it radiates in your home to be thankful for even the little things.
Phew! I don’t think I did badly for an amateur. Do you have more suggestions? Let’s hear them.
Happy spicing 😉