I want to die!


A friend called me after she read my ‘poem to my husband’. She began my saying how much she envied and yearned for that kind of love; that kind of love where you feel appreciated, loved and grateful that you found the one to spend all eternity with and even wished to be bound to in a million births. I said to her life is what you make of it and you can have whatever you want if you do not relent at it. She scoffed at me and laughed and the laughter suddenly became a burst of tears into my eardrums. I asked if she was ok. Then she said, “I am want die!” Please don’t say that. You will not die, I said. What’s the problem, I asked her.

I want to die! I want to shout and rip out my hair. I don’t know what to do or whom to turn to. My husband hasn’t slept in our bed for months now. He sleeps on the couch in the living room. I have asked him why, I have begged him to come back to bed, and I have told him he dishonors me by the fact that the children see him be different towards me. But not even for the possibility of a care has he respected me and come to bed. I don’t want to go into the countless hurtful and demeaning words he says to me but I raise my head still because of my children, because above all, I do not want to lose myself and let him win over me. When people tell me I’m pretty, it means nothing to me if the one person I wake up in the morning to dress up for won’t even look upon my nakedness. I want to be strong and endure it all in good stride because of my children but how do I function at my best when I’m not happy? Yes, I know this is not as terrible as the lamentation of other women but everyone has their threshold and limit. It is the same childbirth one woman passes through and comes out smiling, that another comes out barely holding on to life and yet another does not even live to look upon the face of her bundle of joy. We are all different. I will not demean my feelings and my yearning for my husband. Even if other things are lagging as well, to weather a storm as a team is better than struggling through it alone. I’m not going to claim that I am perfect and he definitely isn’t either but if only he will take advantage of the beautiful home and wonderful marriage we could be having, then we can smile through our faults together and hold each other’s hands through the tough times. Because tough times are guaranteed to us to come, having a good partner might make it a little more bearable. I love my husband.  I want him to love and want him the way I’ve always pictured my life to be but I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place. If only our line of communication was open and the avenue to talk and air of some this rage is encouraged, I might not be feeling so mad and out of my mind. But I don’t want to be out of my mind yet keeping in control is killing me. Tell me what to do. What should I do?

Now, I do not belong to the school of thought that wants to judge or prove holier than thou so I found no words for her. I could easily have said “continue to pray to God and hope things will change for the better” but wouldn’t that be cliché? Sometimes the solution isn’t in the possibility of taking the pain away but like my father once told me; iron has to pass through fire before it is formed. Fire isn’t a sweet thing to pass through, it’s not something to endure yet it’s not everyone who goes through it that will live to tell the testimony of how they survived the fire.

If you have words of advice, please share. Until then, life is what it is. Appreciate it and learn to show love to the next person.

4 thoughts on “I want to die!

  1. Unfortunately or fortunately the best thing she can do is pray. Pray and continue being the dignified woman she is. Although its difficult, she needs to find a peaceful “place” in her mind. Where she recounts her blessings over and over again until her problems seem minute. One day and i pray very soon, her husband will see the light and amend his ways.

    She should also find ways to make herself happy. Trips to the spa, movie dates with female friends, something to take the edge off.

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